Things You Can Think...

My Mom passes her old magazines on to me.  It's great; she's being green and recycling, and I have all sorts of fashion and celebrity fodder (albeit outdated) at my fingertips for free. 

As I was devouring one of these freebies the other day, I stumbled across a list:

Ten Things You Can Think But Cannot Say.

Some of the listed items were entertaining, but mostly it was a list that made me feel...oily.  I'll admit any day of the week that my inner monologue does NOT match my speech at all moments, but shouldn't I aim to be positive rather than sneaky?  Isn't it better to have GOOD secret thoughts rather than bad or super critical ones?

In response, here's my list of...

Five Things You Can Think,

And Also Really Ought To Say.

1.  Any genuine compliment.

Cool jewelry.  Hair color.  Shoes.  Style.  Voice.  Vocab choice (Did he REALLY just say, 'cowabunga'??  Did it make your day?  Don't let it go without saying!).  Children. Sunglasses.  Car.  Handwriting.  The list  of potential compliments is endless. 

To me, the quirkier or more specific the compliment is, the better!  Someone's really paying attention to me!  I still remember a high school friend saying to me in a wishful tone, "Colleen, I wish I could wear t-shirts like you."  T-Shirts???  This was the stylish, ensemble-wearing friend.  Always put together.  But I could rock a t-shirt and jeans in a way that she envied.  Quirky.  But she meant it, and I remember it.  My freshman year of college I had a boy say to me, "If you ever want to look your best, you should do that thing with your eyes--the blue eyeliners, and then the light color and the glitter and a bit of mascara.  You look great every time."  I promise he is straight.  He does not have any sisters. I am STILL impressed that he figured out what eyeliner and mascara are.  After several attempts at education, my husband has no idea which is which, and he watches me apply makeup several times weekly.  Nomatter where the accuracy was from, what made the compliment stick is that I was told EXACTLY what made me look nice.  I still think about it.

2.  No.

This is especially something to say in the context of being asked to do something which you:

a.  Don't want to do.

b.  Should not do (and you KNOW you should not do it).

c.  Would over-extend yourself by doing.

Say it nicely.  Say it honestly.  But say it if you're thinking it.

3.  Thank you. 

I'm especially thinking of this phrase in terms of being on the receiving end of compliments.  One of the best admonitions I have ever been given by another person was to be told, "I don't CARE if you don't believe the compliment you were just given.  Just smile and say thank you!  Let me feel good for telling you something that I believe is true and that you should, too." 

I listened.  It worked.  I tried, for the sake of this one person's comment, not to argue against the compliments that I do x, y, or z well.  Or that I looked nice that day.  I tried by saying, "Oh, wow.  Thank you so much."  BAM.  I wasn't being all Wahoo-Look-At-Me.  I could separate myself from whatever made me feel uncomfortable and notice the joy in someone else's face for making a positive comment.  And slowly, very slowly, I started to see truth behind the statements, and I don't think I'm bigger-headed for it. 

'Thank you' is really healing.  It is very possible to grow in meaning it more and more and more,  (It also works similarly by working to be really thankful for something that's challenging.  'Thank you God, for this big school loan payment."  I'm not really thankful for the debt, but I am thankful for the experiences of school, and the chance to meet my best friend, my spouse, my favorite professor, etc. etc.) 

4.  Nicely done.  Kudos.  Dang, Gina!  Good work.  Wow.

Any way that you convey respect or appreciation for a job well done should be said.  Especially if it's something you cannot do yourself.  It's only going to make that action or those results happen again and again and again. 

5.  This is really hard for me.

Whose walls won't come down when you have to share or do something that is on the edge of your comfort zone?  Dive into what's hard WITH someone else rather than IN FRONT OF someone else and whatever you're saying or doing next--an apology, running a meeting, giving starkly realistic or bad news--will be much easier. 

6.  Anything else jumping to mind?  What else is really good to both think AND say?